Pants 0. Shit 1.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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