There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
