well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
