My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
