I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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