He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
