You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
