I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
