I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
