I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
