She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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