There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
