i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
