Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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