my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you didnt know i had herpes?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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