You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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