Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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