bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
