Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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