a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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