when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
