well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
