Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
