And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
