I'm eating all of the evidence.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
