my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
