if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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