if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
