you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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