you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
