I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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