Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
