if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
