i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
