We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
