I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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