My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
