Fuck appropriateness.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
