thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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