That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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