man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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