i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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