I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
