I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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