Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
