In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
