you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
