I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
