I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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