haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
